Things that will probably kill me before vaccines

1. NOT heart disease - I would like to say that despite suspicions raised by my brother Matt about my stress level, I actually have the blood pressure of an elite athlete - it's one of those weird phenomenon, like the lady who smokes a pack a day until she's 114 or that one 600 lb guy who doesn't have diabetes.

2. Something that I probably should have gotten vaccinated for.

3. Road rage. I read a book that talked about how we are bolder in cars and on the phone because we basically de-humanize people when we don't have to look at them when we're being rude. Guilty as charged. Despite a terrifying run in with a road raging maniac when I was 17 thanks to rude gestures made by my younger brothers, it doesn't take much for a rude or careless driver to get my heart racing and my horn honking. For my son's sake, I am working to overcome this before I tick off the wrong guy and it's headlights out for good.

4. The stove. I don't have OCD, but like most normal people (I think?) I do have the occasional fit of anxiety wondering about whether my house is going to burn down because I left the stove on, and I always knew that somehow my worrying was not in vain. Finally, I was right! I was watching the news the other day and there was a story about stoves that TURNED ON BY THEMSELVES, making their owners think they were crazy until after a couple of incidents, there was a recall. So a message to my stove: I am watching you.

5. Clothes. A closet the size of a small bedroom + 10 foot ceilings + a hatred of folding laundry = lethal mountains of garments and other random stuff. They'll never find my body and everyone will think my husband did it.

6. Spicy food. I'm not talking Tabasco sauce, dried chili flakes or the "hot" wings at your local bar. The fever inducing death sauce I'm working on is about 1/2 as potent as pepper spray, and every hit leaves me craving more liquid pain and the endorphins it pumps through my veins. If this is the way I go, it will be a slow and painful death, but I will die happy.