Things no one tells you, or that you don't believe before you have a baby

I think I did a pretty good job of preparing myself for pregnancy/childbirth/parenthood. I read The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy, a good portion of The Pregnancy Bible, a GREAT development book called "What's Going on in There?", attended a birthing class at the hospital, spent weeks on Google, and asked every person I knew with kids millions of questions. So how then, did these important facts of childbirth and parenthood evade me? Your guess is as good as mine (and my guess is it's all a conspiracy).

1) Anyone who has taken grade 10 biology, watched the Discovery channel, or even just thought about it for 2 minutes knows that birth is not pretty, and it is obviously painful (less painful with drugs, thank you epidural!!). But what no one prepares you for is the horrible horrible pain AFTER the drugs wear off, and the copious and terrible amount of blood that you lose in the weeks that follow birth. Seriously, I know this is gross to talk about, which is why probably no one does talk about it, but mamas-to-be have a right to know!! Luckily the shock and sleeplessness resulting from having to take a real live helpless baby home apparently cause this and other traumatic parts of the experience (pretty much labour through the first 8 weeks) to become a fuzzy blur, resulting in many families with more than one child.

2) Your kid's poo and pee actually aren't that gross after a little while. Don't get me wrong, I will take every chance I get not to change a diaper, but seriously, after the first couple times that your own baby poops so much that it goes all the way up the back of the sleeper and into their hair, the shock and disgust fade. You may even find yourself laughing hysterically when he pees everywhere, including in his own ear, and than fires a big wet poop across the change table all over your hand. Childless people may be shaking their heads in disgust, but anyone with a baby has had this experience. And if you didn't laugh, seriously, you should lighten up. However, when someone else's kid does this to you - still disgusting.

3) You actually have parenting instincts. This is not to say that you should just play everything by ear when it comes to your kids - I'm very much into the research side of parenting - without it how would I know that if you feed a baby under four months spinach that hasn't been cooked the right way they could get nitrate poisoning (blue baby syndrome)? But as overwhelming as being the 24 - 7 personal butler for a fragile little human may be, it actually comes surprisingly naturally!

4) Time flies. Now I know that you don't need to have a kid to understand this one, but something about watching day by day how that helpless tiny baby (as much as they didn't FEEL tiny coming out) 11 months later progresses to standing on top of the subwoofer in your living room all by himself that just makes you feel how fast the days really pass.

5) You may enjoy raising your child more than you thought you would. Before I had my baby I pretty much was all for the idea of popping out a couple kids, hiring a nanny to deal with the boring/messy/bratty baby and little kid stages, and getting on with my career. But as we approach one year and I see my little baby growing up, I can barely stand the thought of leaving him with someone else during critical developmental periods. Don't get me wrong, I still pretty much feel the exact same way about other peoples' stinky, illogical little brats, but somewhere along the lines my brain got hijacked by mom hormones and I feel a strong tug to raise my spawn myself. Totally unexpected.

6) Having a pet is NOT anywhere close to having a kid. I have a puppy who I love very much and before I had a baby, he did a pretty good job of fulfilling my need to nurture. But once you have a baby, you realize that the responsibility of raising a human child with such HUGE potential for success or failure is so gigantic, serious, and important that any relationship with an animal, no matter how loving, just cannot compare. In one overused word that I swear never to use again on this blog - it is epic.

7) You will actually love your kid more than anything in the world. We've all seen those little brats at family functions, the mall, the playground or mom's group who are so intolerable that you think if you were their parent you would die. But if they were your kid, despite all their intolerable brattiness, unless you had some kind of mental breakdown, you probably would love them unconditionally. I can't explain this one - it's just true.